Runaway

This Michael Chriton classic takes place in the future of 1984. Robots have replaced humans in performing many common tasks. Unfortunately, no robots have yet been able to tame Magnum's chest hair (or mustache).
As many have said before me, this movie was the shiznit back in '84. Today, it still is. Let's just say an all-star cast and top shelf special effects never hurt a movie's awesomeness quotient.
The cast is excellent. There is Selleck of course. Gene Simmons (of KISS tongue fame) plays the heavy. Lets just get this over with here. He is a fantastically bad actor. He plays Dr. Luther in this puppy, a supposed super-genius/sociopath. He doesn't have many lines but he does have that psycho stare move down pat (as seen here pictured with my super-crush Cynthia Rhodes).
The parentheses lead me into the next treat of Runaway, Cynthia Rhodes. If you can see past the poodle hair this lady is super smokin'. I don't really remember if back in '84, being 7 years old, I was all caught up, but man that girl worked it fo'real.
The other treat was seeing Kirstie Alley back when she was considered the shiz. Baby's hair was crazy. This is the role that must have set her up for the subsequent parts in Cheers and Star Trek.

The movie itself can not really be described in human language. There simply aren't enough ways to say "templates". Gene Simmons is desperate to find the templates to these killer robot mod chips (not dissimilar to the mod chip in your region free PS2, so you can see what Simmons wanted them so bad). That is what it was all about back then, and it remains as such to this day.
There's a ton of other wild future stuff. One of the hottest things is Simmons' gun. It looks a bit like the Robocop gun, but with less detail.... I mean more sleek. Now it wasn't the look that distinguished this weapon as one of the most lame in history, it was its ammunition. The bullets for the gun are so futuristic they are mini personalized heat seeking rockets that can search out and destroy individuals based on their havmathabash....
The science is a little fuzzy on the gun, but hopefully you get the point.
If you're feeling like seeing some dope hair doos and Gene Simmons acting like the crazy bastard that he is, this is your next rental (only available in VHS); 421,098/1,000,000

NOT Magnum P.I.

The League of extraordinary Gentlemen

If you haven't seen the movie with a extraordinarily long title then you aren't as extraordinary as you might have originally anticipated. That is basically how the dialogue rolls in this Sean Connery-19th-century, action-epic, x-men rip-off. Of course all of the characters were conceived thousands of years ago in a land before time not unlike Jurassic Park.

The LXG's (as their known by the down MFs who watch this movie to avoid reading) consist of those guys and one lady in the pic to the left. You have all of the good ones that you would expect to have in a superheros of the 19th century unite sort of picture:
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. High, who when high, can leap tall buildings in a single bound and do pretty much anything you could do after smoking stix all night.
this pic says it all=====>
Dorian Grey: The guy is secretly really old.
Captain Nemo: The only non-Anglo, plus is like the captain/pirate/ninja who drives everybody around in the "blizade of the sizea" and custom Rolls Royce.
Sean Connery: He is supposed to be a big game great white hunter but I think he is actually playing the role of Sean Connery. (Fun fact: SC ad-libbed all of his scenes.)
Vampire Girl: drinks blood.
Invisible guy: Similar to 2pac. But not as good at rapping or acting.
and
Some American guy: No secret powers besides being Heath Ledger or something. I think he was digitally added into the movie in post-production because he has nothing extra ordinary happenin.

Watching this movie Michelle fell asleep. That is actually not a good indicator of the quality of the film as she falls asleep during 78.54% of all videos rented. The plot was pretty interesting. Not so much that XGs are so cool, but the premise that there are some cold mufukas that coerce scientists into making bigger and better weapons to create an arms race and make mad loot. While the only coercion that scientists really needed was some of the loot/jobs, in the LXG world you have to kidnap them and take them to Siberia or some shit and force them to develop genome codes while still feeling that it's necessary to have them wear their white coats. Regardless of any stupid shit, I like the idea. It isn't as dope as Ishtar but it gets its props.

With all of that said, if you go to watch this you should have as low of expectations as I did when I went into this. If you are looking for anything more, fugedaboutit. 123,321/1,000,000

Does that guy look like SC? I'm not convinced.

The Omega Code

This is a real special selection. I would like to go into the plot that follows one man's struggle against the rise of the king of the world/Satan and shit like that, but I won't. I would like to follow the nauseating performance by Casper Van Dien and Michael York, but I won't.

What I want to bring to the forefront of this review is one thing and one thang only; MICHAEL IRONSIDE. Not enough people recognize the great contributions to thespians and celluloid that MI has contributed. For any producer MI is like AI; he is "the answer." Yes, any time a movie calls for a menacing, scrupulous, balding asshole MI should be at the top of anyone's speed-dial list (MI and the guy who is on That 70's Show).

MI started out on film playing the role of "drunk" in the 1977 production of Outrageous!. While this is surely a captivating depiction of a down on his luck manic-depressive joe, he quickly rose to bigger and better thing with his 1978 role as 'butch' in High-Ballin and 'pimp' in the following year's Summer's Children. Most people recognize him for his portrayal of Shwartzenegger's nemesis Richter in Total Recall, but most people are dicks.

With all of that said, MI, Mr. Ironside, I salute you.












Thanks IMDB!

Miami Blues

Miami Blues

It has been a while. Too long some might say. Just look at Baldwin in that pic; one Uzi, aviator shades, white pants, grip-a-cash, it looks like a scene out of Vice City. For all you GTAers, this might be the movie that set the tone for that game (Scarface obviously excluded).

I first saw this flick with my homie J to the Izzo, S to tha Izz-H (BigUPS!). His pops took us to the movie theater to see it when it first came out in 1990. That means we were like two 13/14 year olds watching this ill ultraviolet shit. That's not really so surprising as I had seen The Shining at age 6. I remember me and J coming out of that movie fuking stoked. We though AB was THE shit; and we were right.

Baldwin was in his prime in this shit. Dude was actually deezed (cock diesel). Plus he was coming off some Hunt For Red October shit that had put him in the role that punk-ass Harrison Ford would later fill. All this was after the big breakout in Beetle Juice (I was in Juice!).

So basically, this is like the movie that he wanted to do. That is what is so dope about it. AB must have had the choice to do so many dope things off of the box office hits that he had made he knew he could pick some wild shit where his fingers get cut off in the end. Some shit where he carries around a .44 Desert Eagle. Some shit where he plays one of the most deeply interesting and conflicted characters ever portrayed---Frederick J. Frenger Jr..

This being one of my fave's, I can wholeheartedly say that it deserves a perfect 1,000,000/1,000,000.

Here is an actual quote:
Hare Krishna: Have you ever seen the movie 'Ghandi'? I'm Vendana, what's your name?
Baldwin: [breaks Hare Krishna's finger] Trouble.

What The F%^$ Do We Know

What the &^*$ do we know

Two words: AMIT GOSWAMI

i REALLY SHOULD END THIS HERE BUT i WILL CONTINUE...TO USE CAPS LOCK THROUGHOUT!

iF YOU LIKE QUANTUM PHYSICS, AND SO MANY OF US DO, YOU WILL FIND THIS MOVIE IMPORTANT AND ENTHRALLING (A "LAUGH RIOT" SAYS GENE SHALLIT?). IF YOU DON'T YOU MAY JUST WANT TO WATCH THIS FILM AS A NICE LITTLE TOUR THROUGH oREGON'S FAVORITE METROPOLITAN AREA; pORTLAND.

i WON'T GO INTO THE DETAILS OF QUANTUM PHYSICS, OR DEBATE ITS ACADEMIC MERIT HERE IN LES BLOGSPHAIR, BUT i WILL NOTE THAT IT IS NICE TO SEE A CHANGE OF PARADIGM FROM THE NEWTONIAN/REGANIAN DUALISM THAT HAS DOMINATED THE MODE OF WESTERN THOUGH FOR THE LAST X YEARS. WITH THAT SAID i DECRRE THE YE OLDE KINETIC PICTURE SHOW REFERED TO IN SOCIAL CIRCLES AS wtfdwk HAS THEREBY BEAN AWARDED A AGGREGATION OF POINTS THUS TOTALLING 780,004 OUT OF THE POSSIBLE 1,000,000.

enjoy bitch.
just joking, i love you.

.M

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

What can I say, Jim Carrey is a genius. Period. Space space paragraph.

Many are the moons that have passed since I have become awestruck by the on screen brilliance of the Canadian thespian who first reached out to many from the stage of In Living Color. Gaaddaym, that shit was funny. And still while he ventures into various genres he consistantly brings the goods. It is always entertaining and often, as with LSASOUE, it is enchanting (James lipton-esque stare into the distance).

Seriously, this movie is very sweet. The kids are cute as a gumdrop button on a baby chick dressed as a baby lamb. The story is nice too.

So as Jim Carrey is in the movie, and despite Jude Law being in the movie, I give it a 980,000/1,000,000 points. Good on ya Lemony!

Jim Carrey is one of the best actors in the world as far as actors go. He does share this prestigious place with a couple of other cats:

• Stephen Chow Sing-Chi
• Dustin Hoffman
• Johnny Depp
• Robert Loggia

Thats about it.
.M
















"All the Best, Bob Loggia"

National Treasure

National Treasure

After watching Baseketball and Closer, I though that I should continue to switch up the genres with the action packed Summer smash of 2004, National Treasure. This peice of shit had Jerry Bruckenheimer written all over it. Explosions and a questionable storyline are some of the highlights that make this one of the worst Nick Cage movies yet.

And what really happened to Cage's integrity? He used to be in some of the best movies playing the most fucked up characters. He was really good at it---see Vampire's Kiss and Raising Arizona. Now he indulges is this generic Disney movie, son of John Voight, leading man bullshit. TAMADA!

Anyway, NT did not stray from the usual shit that he has been in recently. To add insult to injury it portrays Masons and Templars as the real heros and saviors of the universe. TAMADA! What a load of shit.
For people interested in Freemasons and stuff here are some sights .

Plus the movie is totally homoerotic with wardrobe and promotion courtesy of Urban Outfitters (see photo).

In accordance with the above evidence the movie deserves its score of 5/1,000,000.

Don't watch it, or else my work here has been done in vain.

.M

"But Nick, I love you."

Closer

Closer, the review.
The longer I watched, the farther I wanted to be from the screen.
2/1,000,000

It would have gotten a 0/1,000,000 had Portman not worn the thong.

But redemption is here in the form of Conan interviewing Bush and Shwartzanegga (sic). Conan is mad funny. Jude Law, Portman, Roberts and the other one are all not funny. Well, NPs acting in Star Wars is, but not here.

Check this sweet art that I have abducted from its web home. Girl is mad serious. The one on the left says to me "don't look at my nipples."

Conan is sponsered by Vagasil(c).

So to sum up:
Closer ==> sizucked
Conan ==> dizope
Portman ==> thongolicious

.M

Sadat X, Wild Cowboys

Sadat X, Wild Cowboys

This is one of the best albums evvvvvvaaaaaaa! Sadat X (AKA Derrik X or DX from the BX), of Brand Nubian fame, came out in 1996 with a mostly ignored solo album that is, for me, one of the most important sonic creations of the 90s.

Sadat begins the album instructing "Lets do it with shade of X; mood blue." And from here the album launches into a jazzy and blue collection of tracks from Buckwild, Showbiz, Pete Rock, Diamond D, The Beatminerz, Minnesota, DJ Alamo (From Brand Nubian), DJ Ogee and Ali Malik. Regardless of the myriad contributors to this album, the sound remains in the same register and mood for the entirety of the album.

The album begins with---coincidentally---the first single, "The Lump Lump," produced by DITC legend Buckwild. This track is something special, I can't count the times I've heard the insturmental used in DJ battle sets in the late 90s.

It is after this initial track that the album really slides into its mellow mood. Wild Cowboys, produced by Diamond D, provides some supa shmoove vibes for DX to lace the track with his nasal ---never mono---tone. The album continues along these jazzy lines for the remainder of the album, with Sadat being joined by MCs Grand Puba, Sean Black---what happened to you???, Cool Chuck, Tec, DV Alias Christ, Regina Hall and Dedi. Puba is dope and Sean Black made a big impression on alot of cats when this came out, but alas, where is Sean?

Some of the other highlights are found on the latter half of the album. The Beatminer's "The Interview" is a lovely track that has DX responding to questions form Regina Hall. "Escape from New York" is a Pete Rock track that Sadat rips to shreds. What can I say, the album is dope. If you get a chance, pick it up, you probably won't see it though, there are very few copies circulating. OH well, your loss.

Wild Cowboys receives a 950,000/1,000,000 on the special rating scale.
Big shout to Hin Man for the CD!
-M

Baseketball

Baseketball

I have just returned with a new threesome of vids free of charge, courtesy of the Hollywood Video MVP program. Now that I have some time to myself I can enjoy the often overlooked South Park meets Naked Gun picture, "Baseketball". You might be thinking "WTF? that came out like 5 years ago?!" I know this came out in 1998 but I have been busy not working. So without further crybabying read this damndeded write-up(exclimation po!nt).

So basically Matt Stone and Trey Parker are rehashing their classic South Park characters "Cartman" and "Kenny" in movie form. The dastardly duo of dynamic yet one-sided characters that say either "fuck" or "dude" every fifth word, in theory amounts to a recipe for fun. However, this movie differs from the South Park movie in one big way, it ISN'T funny.

The plot basically follows the lives of two loveable losers who in a world of corporate sponsored sports premadonnas invent their own sport; Baseketball. Maybe I wasn't high or drunk enough to really enjoy the subtleties of the Coloradian couple but shit is wack.

I tought that the saving grace may have been the fact that David Zucker---Director of the classic Naked Gun and Airplane movies---soiled his hands on this peice of shit. Unfortunately, it looks like this was the movie that Zucker made just after "Wrongfully Accused".

But this movie is no wrongfully accused, and there is a giant Leslie Nielsen filled hole in the Baseketball celluloid that desperately needed filling.

Actually I am pretty jealous of these two guys who turned a shitty Christmas cartoon of Jesus fighting Santa into a multimillion dollar thingy thing. I lied, that cartoon was funny.

Basketball gets a 7/1,000,000 on my special rating scale.

Time to watch some Chappelle's show before beddy-bye-bye-bye why's it always the good ones....

Fin