Volcano High

I went into this film super-stoked. Perhaps it would be a feature length version of one of my favorite shows of all time Kung Faux. As the movie began I retained some of these hopes. Here is a Korean movie, rich in fashion (just look at the hairdoos below) and fun. Plus they are sponsered/bought by MTV who then casts Method Man, Snoop Doggy, Outkast, Kelis and Mya to do the dubbing. I couldn't have casted it better (well actually...).

The point is, this piece of shit had a great deal of potential. HOWEVER, through my through analysis of the special features, behind the scenes look at the making of the movie---or the making of the dubbing as it in fact is---I have determined that NO ONE at MTV gave a flying anything about the outcome of the picture.

Outkast, Meth all allude to the lack of prepping or even the failure to see the film before they were asked to do the dubbing. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they did the dubbing all in one day! The product of this failure to post-produce is a somewhat fun Korean high-school movie, with horrible fight scenes, CGI and wire work and uninspired deadpan dubbing by some of the funniest hip hop icons of today.

Let's look at some of the characters:

Andre 3000 plays the main character, Kim. Andre is hilarious on his album. The guy is full of life and personality. In this movie the director must have said, "OK Andre, we're going to need you to act like you are dead. Try to be monotone and boring throughout the entirety of the filming. We want this to SUCK." I think it went something like that; his presence was not felt.

MethodMan plays Mr. Ma, which is good since he didn't need to change his monogramed hankys. Actually, Meth is the one bright spot of the film. He doesn't just act like a Korean version of himself. Instead, Tical digs deep into his acting repetoire to produce a cruel and subdued (surprise) substitute teacher bent on the destruction of all co-eds. Big ups to Mef.

And, although I almost forgot, Tracy Morgan, one of the funniest guys in the world, Shows up in the movie as somebody who doesn't tell any jokes. Basically, this was a total waste of Trace[y]. Why Tracy, whyyyyyyyyy????

This movie is total crap, and if Method Man wasn't in it, it would get a big ol' Robert Parish (that's a 00). Rating: 13/1,000,000.

BARF!

Kinsey

If you've been looking for a film with a ton of full frontal male nudity, but don't feel comfortable with gay porn, Kinsey is the film you need to see.

Thats right, Kinsey is full of weiners, guys masturbating and plenty of gall wasps. It just keeps on getting better, right? Wrong...

Enter Laura Linney.

Maybe it's just me, but I don't like her. She is like this fake Holly Hunter that doesn't do a southern accent. And HH without a southern accent, plain old licks botoxed balls. Lets go to the JPEG battle to see just how much these two look alike.

Outside of the hair close enough, no?

Where things start to pick up is with that guy from Harry and the Hendersons (what many remember as the Bigfoot movie, released just after the soon to be reviewed Short Curcit 2). He is always good. He plays kind of the same role that he played in Footloose; an angry, hypocrite father who only rejoices in the suffering of his rebelious son figure. Cliches aside, John Lithgow does bring some much needed fire to the screen where Qui-Gon just falls short.

Unfortunately, JL cannot save this modern tragedy [for the viewer]. I guess what I am getting at is that I did not like it. It was boring. And sex as described by Liam Neison is not so sexy. Thus, the rating must only be 6'6"/1,000,000 for John Lithgow; he's tall.

End.

PS: Sasquatch is so awesome!

ODB: Return To Tha 36 Chambers: Tha Dirty Version

I have bought this album about 4 times now. I should make it clear that this isn't a Catcher in the Rye OCD thing. Rather, I just keep loosing the CD. I don't mind that much. I mean, if I have to give money to an artist, it better be ODB.

I first bought the LP back when it came out in '96 or so. It was the first year of college and i really hadn't explored the depths of the album until....

I must have been living with some roommates who had the CD, at any rate, someone threw on the most insanely hyped up track I had ever heard. A track that defied all rap conventions and broke barriers on every level. I am of course speaking of none other than the second bonus track, a.k.a. Harlem World.

This track is the sole reason I have purchased this album so many times on CD. I mean remember, I have the LP. But, as with many LPs, they fail to include bonus tracks (sigh). So what can ya do (rhetorical).

"Why then buy 3 copies of the CD" you ask, ah yes I got a bit off subject. Well it seems that this CD, much like ODB is prone to wander off and not be seen for years. Perhaps they were stolen by a group of roaming high school punks who knew of the potency of this album. Perhaps I left a copy at a friend's house and forgot about it. Or maybe, just maybe, they were abducted by aliens working in conjunction with the FBI and CIA and the Mussaad to conspire to rob the populous of one of the greatest gifts of art we have yet to receive (and of course stockpile them in Switzerland until WWIII). We may never know for sure.

What I do know is this album is super sweet and absolutely awesome. If you haven't got it, get it. If you have it protect it, you're bound to loose it sooner or later.

Can you guess the score? 1.000.000/1.000.000

All tracks have a quality to them that is undeniable, magnetic and ultra.

It will blow your mind.

Da Ali G Show

Ali G. People have been dressing up like this cat for the past few halloweens. Dude is mad funny.

Basically the story behind Ali G goes something like this:
Sasha Cohen, used to be a total asshole to everybody he met, just acting like somebody he wasn't. He would act super stupid and ask them stupid ass questions and play it off like it was serious. All his homies thought that this was pretty funny. Eventually he parlayed this talent into a TV show and a shitty movie that betrayed the basis of the humor of Ali G.

Anyhowz, Sasha brought this show to HBO and introduced the world to a new wave of making fun of foreigners with funny accents. And let's face it, foreigners with foreign accents are funny. The only thing funnier than foreigners is local boys making fun of them. Who can forget the original British foreigner humorist Peter Sellers doing accents of the French, German, Indian and American persuasion. Sasha gets a little more precise in his foreigner personas as he adopts the mustache and grey suit that the Kazakstani Borat is now known for. While many believe that making fun of Khazaks is a really cheap shot, if you have seen the Borat segments and not laughed I really respect you and you should write me an e-mail.

If you do like to see foreigners and wiggers go nuts, then the Ali G show on DVD is mos'definitely for you. The season 1 that I got from Hollywood vids has a bonus short film staring Ali G, "SPYZ", that defies description. Highly recommended.
Overall rating, 750,007/1,000,000.
(Warning, NOT PC!)

To finish up I would like to post pics of people that dress up as Ali G. Some of these people are professionals, so please don't try this at home!
Sad, so sad.