Sucker Free City

The Yay!

Spike Lee made a movie in San Francisco. Thats right. It's hard to fight the flavor of the bay. The steep hills, fog, DJs, the list of freshness goes on and on. So the setting is dope already. To combinate the hype, Spike and makes this a cross-cultural class-struggle type jump-off. So i like.

The power lead in this is Anthony Mackie, whom you might remember as the asshole from 8 Mile; or you might remember him as the asshole from Million Dollar Baby. The dude is good in this. He even acts.

The same can be said for Ken Leung. Dude is fire. The white guy, not as fresh. Sorry. Spike also pulls in some nice cameos from master lacrosser Jim Brown and master actor, James Hong - you might remember him fom every hot Bruce Lee movie or as fu**ing LO to tha mufu**ing P-A-iz-N!

I guess next to B.T.I.L.C. it is difficult to really appreciate SFC as a dope film. Regardless, it still gets a 700,000/1,000,000; not bad for a TV movie.


Here is one of the greatest quotes ever (thanks IMDB):

Lo Pan: [spots Gracie, Margo and Eddie on a security monitor] Who are these people? friends of yours? now this really pisses me off to no end!

and another that Josh likes:

Lo Pan: You never could beat me, Egg Shen.

The Constant Gardener

Ah, hand-held camera shots. "Hey, seriously, don't bring the tri-pod, we won't be using that here." I think that's how the conversation went when Fernando Meirelles addresed the production crew.

If you keep on wishing that there was a politically charged movie about the evils of the pharmecutical biz, shot with the pizzaz of the Blair Witch Project, you re in luck my friend. TCG, continues where Lord of War left off in the "white people in Africa" series.

Ralph Fines plays his usual role as a pussy, I mean, diplomat. He has a press conference and gets shredded to peices by a reporter. Impressed by her ability to make him look like a deuche, he marries her and takes her to Kenya.

This movie is another example of the crazed madmen running American movies. Rachel Weisz won the supporting actress Oscar.

Both watching and reviewing this film makes me dizzy and wan to go to bed. Rating: 1/1,000,000 - the 1 is for the only shot that used a tri-pod.

Lord of War

Another piece of poop for Nick Cage! If you hate dialogue, or thinking, this is the movie for you.

It takes place in Africa, but there are no African characters. Instead there are charactures of two types: Bloodthirsty assholes and helpless and starving innocents.

Jared Leto plays Cage's little brother. A - cliche alert! - coked up fuck-up, trying to snort his deamons away. Cage feels guilty that he dragged his brother into a life of guns and girls, thus tension is created!

Dispite all of the doo-doo, there are some highlights to this movie. Cage tricks a supermodel into marrying him - not as hard as you might think.
And Jered Leto dies.

I would say more about this movie, but it was a pretty big waste of time in the first place. Thus it deserves the following rating: 2/1,000,000 - the 2 is for all of the cool guns.






Look out Africans! It's Nick Cage!

Wedding Crashers

The well has run dry.

It seems the comedy of those guys who compose of the Stiller/Farrell/Favreau crew have run out of funny thing to say. If you don't believe me, watch Wedding Crashers.

I unfortunately got my hands on a copy of the unreleased/unrated/unwatchable version of the DVD. This future shuriken held me down for almost two hours, insisting that it was funny. Still, I remained unconvinced.

It's not as if I am not partial to Vince Vaughn; the guy is funny. I saw him in Made, it was hilarious. And Owen Wilson is great in Zoolander. In this, they were both complete rubbish.

The producers of the film went to great lengths to pull out a buch of gags. That is, if you consider having Christopher Walken in the movie a "gag." Seriously, C-dub, what are you doing now? Why do I feel like you are doing an impression of yourself in every movie after Communion? That Whitley Schriber shit was hot, but this? no - not hot, cold.

Furthermore, having Vaughn and Wilson wear funny clothes = not funny.

Perhaps the problem lies in that neither one of these protagonists is a likable personality. This is not so much an attack on them as much as the people who proposed they get together to do a movie. I mean, think about it, both of these guys made their mark on cinema when they were teamed with semi-deformed mutants Jon Favreau and Ben Stiller. These are not flattering photos, but you get the point. Two pretty boys need mutants to maintain the balance of life. Which is not entirely dissimilar to the circle of life.

I will sum this up by saying: aviod this movie at all cost. It is boring and a waste of almost two hours that you can never have back. Rating: 3/1,000,000 - 3 for thetotal number of times I forgot I was wasting my life watching Owen Wilson make out with fabulous sluts.

Bedazzled

I'd like to get back to the roots of this Blizzle-blog. Thrashing movies that suck. Bedazzled is one of them. I have to admit, something drew me to this movie; oh yeah, it was Liz Hurley's outfits.

Yeah, she wore some nice clothes. And to preserve the interest of the reader lets take a look at some while avoiding looking into Brendan Fraser's sloppy little mouth.

I had somebody talk to me about this movie a while ago. They said it was about Jinn or Genies. So, being a big, Kazzamm fan, I thought that this should be the next logical step. Unfortunately, it's not so much about Jinns as it is about Liz Hurley be the anthropomorphic representation of Bealzebub aka El Diablo aka Seitan aka Soy Gluten chunks.

Yes the movie is bad. Did I mention that?

Brendan Fraser plays a retard who sells his souls to Lizzy. Not a tard in the My Left Foot style, but in the colloqiuial sense---just awkward and sucky. An insult to any of the differently abled in the house.

Chinese people are not safe from this movie!

No one is really fond of this film. It is a big waste of time. At the premire, people were protesting the movie. Not for political, or social reasons, bt because they hate Liz Hurley (see below). I wish I was there so I could have protested B.F.'s constantly emoting "befuddlement".

If you see this in the video store. Pick it up. And throw it on the floor. Pull down your pants. And squeeze out a nice drippy dropping. The movie will feel comforted by being with like substances. (I am refering to poop.)

Overall rating: 2/1,000,000
Watch out!

The Honeymooners

After the last entry "The Office (UK)", you may think that I have a soft spot for portrayals of working class life. After watching The Honeymooners, clearly I have abandoned all such sentiments.

The Honeymooners is a big screen send up of the once "classic" TV show bearing the same name. The mvie follows the lives of Ralph Kramden, Ed Norton and their wives Alice and Trixie, as Ralph attempts to make the jump from struggling working class to anything else. While the result could have been a piquant social commentary, is a flat and surprisingly PG humored picture. In other words, "Mike Epps is not funny if he dosen't wild out."

I am not sure why, but all the jokes were made to be really, really corny. Perhaps this was meant to be a tribute to the old Honeymooners show but as a feature movie I just don't want to see recycled TV humor.

There are some funny moments; none come to mind but I am sure I laughed at some point...

So I can't go on thinking about this waste of time. Here is the score 3/1,000,000.

Not good.

The Office (UK)

Ricky Garvis; this guy is hilarious. His dance routine as David Brent (do, do do do, do do) on The Office season 2 has become the thing of which legends are made.

The character of David Brent epitomizes - to me - what tragic comedy represents. And at the same time this show carries powerful class messages. All for the good? well maybe.

(DEBBIE DOWNER ALERT!)

As this show/fake documentary takes place in an office, it is natural to assume the gaze of the white collar middle class worker that inhabits that environment. However, located just below the offices of Windam Hogg is the wharehouse where the blue collar laborers toil. These workers are rarely featured in the series; when they are featured they are depicted as crass, lazy and abusive. All true right? ow!

So, maybe many of the office characters are represented as anywhere from incopetents to straight assholes, but it is only in the office where we find morally redeemable characters - i.e.
Tim, Dawn and Neil. In the cast photo, the wharehouse workers aren't even present.

I could go on, but that's enough for now.

like David Brent. So this show is more of a program n the traditional sense; by watching I was obligated to make a value judgement on the characters' behavior and assimilate myself to those characters which I found appealing. It is easy to do with The Office, as i now work in anThis show is super funny and made me really quite scared to think that I may sometimes act office with other office people.

But enough about me.

The show is awesome. it was so awesome they made an American version tha trecycles many of the old jokes - e.g. stuffed monkey on the coat rack. I was really stoked to watch Steve Corell do his bad boss bit. if fact, I started watching the American version first. I thought it was better. I was wrong. This is nothing against Steve Corell or the rest of the American cast. They are all very funny. Especially Dwight. That guy is a good spin on the British Garath.

It wasn't until I caught a taste of the UK series on PBS that my appetite for the Brit version was first developed. Actually, it took me a couple of episodes to get into the whole British English thing. I really recommend this investment. Just sit through the first episode, even if you think it's too dry or tooo Britishy. Once I got to the second and third episodes, that shit had me rollin.

For the most part this is due to the character of "the boss" David Brent played with an uncanny sense of self annihilation by writer/actor/director Ricky Garvis. Move over Ali G and cheers to Ricky G, you are the new British sensation in the States.

Rating: 895,987/1,000,000. Class matters for this review.